The Shrigma Variant

Posted by Jew from Jersey
2 September 2021

Dear stupid peasant,

You may have noticed by now that none of our schemes to mitigate coronavirus are actually necessary. Those pieces of paper and cloth on your faces are only making you sicker than you already were. The ritual of “social distancing” was a dance we made up at one of our office parties a few years ago and we thought it would be funny to see you all do it. None of the vaccines really vaccinate. None of the tests are accurate. Coronavirus itself is not really more deadly than most other forms of flu and none of the new “variants” are really that different from the others. In fact, most of the people we told you died of coronavirus really just died of other causes and happened to test positive after they were already dead. At least, we think they tested positive. As we said, the tests aren’t really accurate...

Anyway, we’re writing to tell you that there is a new variant coming that really will be as horrible as you have been lead to fear. This deadly variant is known by us Science Experts as “The Shrigma Variant” and it can kill all of humankind from a distance of several hundred kilometers away. Those who so much as even see a glimpse of it on the horizon will immediately be seized by the most painful seizures imaginable and fall to the ground writhing in pain, coughing out all of their internal organs in an excruciating and irreversible agony that will last hours or even days before they finally expire.

We assure you that the “Science” cannot be wrong on this. We are not talking about that other old kind of “science” with a lower-case ‘s’ that you may have learned about in school where you test falsifiable hypotheses against the evidence and all the rest of that outdated drivel. No, the new “Science” with a capital ‘s’ is completely different. It is a secret esoteric knowledge revealed only to ordained “Experts” with a capital ‘e’ who can never be doubted or contradicted. And since we are the Experts and you’re not, we strongly recommend you do as you’re told or else.

Now hear this: the only way to keep The Shrigma Variant at bay will be to institute the most severe lockdowns and restrictions imaginable. Every one of you will have to be locked in a separate room with all doors, windows, cracks and other openings sealed with special medical tape. You will each have an app on your phone that will alert you when a government pod is being delivered to allot you your ration of water, anything else we want you injected with, and limited amounts of food. We are working on personal air pods as well so that you do not breathe the same air as anyone else. After you breathe the air, it will be returned to the pod and sent back to a special facility for decontamination. Once our special app is installed on your device, no other apps will work. We cannot take the risk of you uneducated ignoramuses talking amongst yourselves and possibility spreading Misinformation. If it is necessary for you to know anything, we will tell you. When it is time to vote, you will vote through the app. Anyone who votes differently than we advise will no longer be receiving water or air.

When you realize how extreme these means are that we will need to deploy in order to combat The Shrigma Variant, you will understand why we needed to lie to you for all this time about the other variants. Admit it, back in 2020, you never would have accepted anything as draconian as what we now propose. Despite your flaccid and vegetable-like like natures, we believe you would have rebelled and acted against us. Not that it would have mattered much then, but it would have left you vulnerable to Shrigma in the future. You of course must realize now that we couldn’t allow that to happen. So we had to gradually introduce you to the concept of limiting your movements, you behavior, your speech, and your ability to influence or petition your betters. We knew it would take you at least a year to accustom yourselves to these new modes of living. With each new variant, we will step up the level of restrictions until finally, everything will be in place when Shrigma finally arrives. This will probably occur some time next year, or maybe the year after, or maybe some time after that. In fact, it doesn’t really matter. We’re not taking any chances. By the time Shrigma is here, you will have long since acclimated to solitary unilife in the pod, knowing , eating, and breathing only what we allow you. So it won’t even matter if Shrigma is real or not.

Forever yours,

The Science Experts